Chattanooga Hash House Harries - Past Hashes

The ChooChoo H3 was celebrating their 69th hash. In order to help our neighbors celebrate this momentous number, I sparked the fire which ultimately became the Atlanta Invasion of Chattanooga (just think Sherman's march to Atlanta, in reverse). Except that technically the hash wasn't in Chattanooga - it was in Cohutta, GA. (That's pronounced Cuh-hutta for all you Yankees!) But I would have to say that this hash trash really begins with a phone call (which I didn't answer), followed by a text message from Ping My Ass, which said, "I am a dumb ass see you when you get here." Huh???? So I called said dumb ass, who reported that he had mis-read the post and showed up for the hash a day early!

On the appropriate day, I had Day Two of half-marathon training (3 miles of running with the 11-minute group) and then met my fellow travelers a few hours later. Sanitary Not!, Cheese Nips, Ass We Go, Portuguese Water Dog, and Sani's dogs, Cinnamon & Daisy met in the Kroger parking lot. Sani & I conferred on de-erections. While Portuguese Water Dog (PWD or P Diddy) strapped the bags to the roof. As we headed up I-75 past I-575, we suddenly spotted none other than Snot Rag racing up the highway, talking on his cellphone (probably to Crip Teaser, if I had to guess), creating hash D-R-A-M-A by telling people that *I* was with said dumb-ass who arrived a day early. (Not!) We excitedly discussed future hashing events, like the Black Sheep Campout and the St Patrick's Day Parade, and tried to figure out how to make a publically-acceptable club name out of H A S H. I think the best two we came up with were "Happy Atlanta Society of Hashing" and "Holy Atlanta Society of Hashing."

As we got off the highway at the Tunnel Hill/Varnell exit, we started paying close attention to the directions. Suddenly out of nowhere, Snot Rag roared past us *again*!! We laughed about that. But then laughed even harder when he drove right past the turn for Lake Kathy Road. Hmmm...wonder what route he's taking to the hash? But then we were distracted when we read on the directions:

Anyone remember the house from the movie Deliverance? You know, the one with the banjo-playing on the front porch? Well, we saw that house (or one with a remarkable resemblance). I'm going to have to go back just to get a photo of it. It came complete with junk around in the yard and on the porch and two TMFs (Toothless Mo Fo's) who waved to us as we drive by. Very creepy. Then we came to the next point of interest...

It was a beautiful little park with the greenest grass. I quote from the New Georgia Encyclopedia, "In 1879 Mormon missionaries arrived in the area. One of them, Joseph Standing, was murdered in Varnell, near Dalton, by citizens of Catoosa and Whitfield counties who saw the missionaries as a threat to their communities. Standing is commemorated in Joseph Standing Memorial Park in Varnell."

Several windy roads later, we pulled into Cum On Down & Luv Bug 69's beautiful house. We were proud to notice that, despite passing us TWICE, we beat Snot Rag to the start! The group gathered around, waiting for more hashers to show up, drinking most people's favorite golden nectar (but not mine, 'cause I'm a wine-ho).

That's Cum on Down in yellow, Thunder Pony in the purple & green, Luv Bug in white, Hugh Heifer in light blue, and P Diddy standing behind them on the stairs.

All told, we had 10 Atlanta hashers invade this fine Choo Choo hash: myself, Sanitary Not!, Cheese Nips, Portuguese Water Dog, Ass We Go, Ping My Ass, Maxwell Twat, Furry Balls, Hung Jury, and Snot Rag.

We payed our hash cash and got our t-shirts. Then Hugh blessed the hares liberally with flour and beer and sent them on out. We had a little chalk-talk, which confused Sanitary Not when they said "An "X" is a check which is an intersection." We straightened out that before a debacle (shitty trail) occurred. We were also warned that there would be lots of "pricks" on trail...hence the name of the hash "Trail of Tears." Our beloved Sani also admitted to thinking she was hearing voices in her head, which turned out to be the radio in the hottub. A few minutes before we were ready to start after them, Hugh started a rousing rendition of "Father Abraham." For those of you who don't know this little diddy, it goes like this...

"This" would be followed by a motion that would be repeated while singing the next round with "this" growing in the number of motions with every verse. In the end, we silly people were doing some version of a jumping-jack, followed by reaching for our toes (and saying "It's) and then spreading our arms up in the air (and saying "69!!").

Three trails were laid on this gorgeous spring-like day: a turkey (about 5 miles), and eagle (about 6 miles) and a walker's trail (about 3 miles). Since I had already run 3 miles that day, I decided that the walker's trail would do me nicely. Not only did we have marks to follow, but were also got a tour of the trail led by none other than the hare, Luv Bug 69. At some point she tried to direct us to a short cut and rambled on about Turkeys, Eagles, Scenic Views, and Walkers. Then someone asked "But you're going with us, right?" When she said "no" then we asked her to repeat all de-structions, at which point she bitched as only M C Hasher and Luv Bug can do and proceeded to continue leading us down the trail.

I loved the trail - it was hard, slow, and had plenty of wood. We had one beer/water stop on trail, then the walkers started down road. Amazingly enough, every house we passed had at least two dogs, who were freely roaming. Bitches everywhere! We also saw mule on trail. How did we know it was a mule? Well, there was a sign that said "Mule Crossing." Thunder Pony edu-ma-cated us about mules, which are the result of horses and donkeys mating. If the daddy is a horse, then it is a Jack-Ass. (I wonder if our JackAss knows that???) and if the momma is a horse, then it is a Jenny-Ass. (Sounds like a future hash name).

Bastards!!! Finally we saw the beautiful words "On In" and had made it back to the start. We spent a short time of drinking more amber nectar, eating some mixed orange snacks, comparing blood wounds from the prickers, and waiting for Ping My Ass, Just Matt #1, and Just ???, who had gotten lost on trail, come in by taking the walker's trail backwards, only to get sent back out on trail. When all had arrived, we gathered on the abandoned putting green at the foot of COD and Luv Bug's yard and started circle, which was led by Hugh Heifer. I was called on to down a beer to retrieve my lost property from the Appalachian H3 Trail #8 (camp chair). Various infractions were punished (peeing on trail, getting lost on trail.) LuvBug and Re-Run McNally (keeper of the statistics) were called out for only having 53 trails listed on the back of the Choo Choo #69 Commemorative T-Shirt. Sani was called out for having a dog who rolled in shit. Mustard Panties was called out for announcing that she was gay on trail. Ping My Ass was called out for being a dumb ass (and showing up a day early). Maxwell Twat and Twat Do I Smell? drank numerous times 'cause "when one Twat drinks, all Twats drink!" Finally, it was time for the namings. After much debating, laughing, and conferring, we named Twat Do I Smell?'s son "Chip Off the Old Twat" and Just Matt #1 "Gender Bender" for turning all his girlfriends gay (including the current one, Mustard Panties, who announced she was gay on the trail).

Then it was time for Sani's hashmobile to depart Cohutta for the civilized?? world of Atlanta. Many thanks to the Choo Choo H3 for a great hash, Luv Bug & COD for a great trail and being superb hosts, and Hugh Heifer, who runs a damn fine circle.

Maxwell Twat and Furry Balls stopped and got photos for us! This is Standing Park...

And the Pièce de résistance...the Deliverance house! Just imagine two TMFs sitting on that porch, spitting tobacco, with banjos in their hands (okay, I made that last part up), waving at the cars driving by, thinking "He's got a real pretty mouth on him, don't he?"