Chattanooga Hash House Harries

Chattanooga Hash House Harriers

The hashers you are about to meet are real. The bios you are about to read are not. They are simply a continuation of the fun that is ChooChooH3. Names in bold are current MisManagement members.
Shits & Giggles	With his recent lawsuit against Valvoline for not allowing him to complete a job application, Shits & Giggles clenched his official title as the World's Most Litigious Child. His landmark 'Shits & Giggles vs. The City of Chattanooga' (suing the city for having such terrible roads that he's unable to sleep while traveling across town) started his road to infamy in the eyes of lawyers everywhere, but secured his place in the halls of heroism for children across the land. Despite pleas from his parents to stop his sue-happy ways, his suits from Lego (for simply not having enough green blocks in each set) to Graco (for making sissy-looking strollers) continue to better the world for age-challenged citizens one diaper at a time. Note: ChooChooH3 Dot Com is currently involved in litigation with The S&G Foundation due to the use of an "unauthorized" photograph of Shits & Giggles.
xx	x
Shiggy Mama	A convicted felon in 19 states, Shiggy Mama carved a murderous swathe across a substantial portion of the upper northwest. Bypassing her specialties of exotic car theft and international money laundering, in the early 1980's Shiggy branched out and added bread squishing to her impressive, albeit criminal, history. Store merchants in countless counties have suffered losses in the tens of thousands of dollars as a result of her execution-like trademark move of squeezing fresh bread loves as if crumpling a piece of paper. Even the lowly donut isn't safe: one major grocery chain reported that in one year alone, 96,323 "Jelly-Oh's" were discarded due to each one having received a single thumb-poke clear through its jelly center. Do not let this young woman fool you - this is the face of your higher grocery store bills.
xx
Cooter Hogg	Despite 17 consecutive first-place finishes in global competitions, Cooter Hogg is not one to openly brag. In fact, many hopefuls have tried in vein to get him to share a sliver of wisdom to assist them in their lofty goals of one day competing head-to-head with Mr. Hogg. Unfortunately for them, Cooter keeps his secrets close and his sewing machine closer: this is a sport in which professionalism abounds, but backstabbing frequently rears its ugly head. "I remember one time in Moscow," Cooter said, sipping a warm glass of Tab, "between heats two speeders [what professional speed doll clothes sewers call themselves] were comparing backstitch techniques when suddenly one was still standing and one was not - it was then that the PSDCSAA (Professional Speed Doll Clothes Sewers Association of America) mandated bullet proof vests." Absentmindedly placing his hand on his needle caddy, his eyes reflect his drive for but also his remorse over exactly how competitive the global race to become the world fastest sewer of little doll clothes really is.
xx	x
Underpass	Underpass is the only member whose IQ actually breaks out of two digits. Despite not yet being able to attend school, Underpass is already a chess grand champion. Although not commonly discussed, it's well known within the circuit that both Bobby Fisher and Garry Kasparov consult with UP on ways to improve their game. And amid top security, IBM's Deep Blue chess-playing supercomputer is fed every single move of every single one of Underpass' competition games (which can be found in The Rook and Pawn, the undisputed top chess magazine in existence). We can only hope that even a shred of Underpass' brains will rub off on the rest of these hashers, but we're not holding our breath.
xx	x
ReRun McNally	This photo of ReRun McNally is the perfect embodiment of this unique individual: unintelligent. This recent mug shot, from the Red Bank Police Department, was taken after ReRun presented himself to an RBPD officer sitting in his cruiser and bravely announced that he had been stealing copies of the free local newspaper "Enigma" since moving to town seven years ago. While the officer tried to explain that the words "stealing" and "free" are mutually exclusive, ReRun began to reenact the Mentos commercial where the man walks through the backseat of a limousine blocking the crosswalk. Unfortunately, McNally's opening of back door (while singing the Mentos theme song) released the prisoner the officer was transporting, which understandably upset the officer and yielded ReRun a free night in the county jail. Described by many to be "as smart as a bag of rocks," ReRun really does means well, so please try to be patient with him.
xx
Hall Pass	Using his boyish good looks and quick wit, Hall Pass has successfully eaten for free at every fast food restaurant he has visited since 1987. Whether he utilizes his raw animal magnetism on cute female cashiers or his rugged, chiseled features to win the hearts of the male employees, HP has managed to corner the market on the art of complimentary meals. With his crowning achievement being finding a piece of saran wrap in his Ryan's Steakhouse mac & cheese in 2002, Hall Pass has more "Please Try Us Again!" and "Good For One Free Meal" coupons than Rambo has bullets. Unfortunately, the magical hand of karma seems to occasionally grip HP, most recently by his statement that his house was painted blue when it in fact is gray. This error prompted his wife, a normally quiet and polite woman, to become visibly exasperated and say in front of many other hashers, "Sometimes I can't believe what a big fat dumbass you are."
xx	x
Sir Shits-A-Lot	As one of the top-grossing child body-double actors in the business today, Sir Shits-A-Lot commands 5-figures per public appearance, despite a name that leaves nothing to the imagination. His fee nears 6 digits if that appearance includes a speech, but this doesn't occur often - not because venues aren't willing to pay top dollar for such a popular actor, but because at his two last speeches (a NATO consortium discussing NAFTA and it's continued global effects and the grand opening of the 1,500th Best Buy in Kalamazoo) were exactly the same: "Mommy, I gotta go potty." No truer words have ever been uttered by man, woman or child - bravo, Sir Shits, bravo.
xx	x
Ghost Rider	The founding member of the Chattanooga Hash House Harriers, Ghost Rider spends most of his time working on plans to one day open his dream business: a banzai tree lawn service. The untapped market of tending to the grass that grows below small banzai trees for those that are too busy to cut the grass on their own simply enthralls Ghost Rider, and just bringing up the subject sends him into a frenzied discussion of business planning software, profit/loss charts and incredibly miniaturized lawn and garden equipment, for which GR is currently saving up by working as a gay phone sex phone line operator. When GR's friends tire of hearing him excitedly detail the mulching power of the new Craftsman Mini-Chopper, simply uttering the words "Mmm, Bruce - you do look good in those Daisy Dukes" calms him down and brings him back to reality. Seriously, mad props to Ghost Rider for starting ChooChooH3 - we owe it all to you.
xx	x
Thunder Pony	Most hashers take their ChooChooH3 membership relatively seriously. And then there's Thunder Pony. If anyone could be considered "hardcore" in this club, it's TP. Sure, everyone runs with their nametag & whistle, but how many thugs run fully strapped? While some throw shiggy, TP is throwin' gang signs. Pretty much if anyone starts frontin', they get they shizzle handed to 'em. TP sums it up well herself: "You know how we do - if any mutha fukkah steps to me, I'ma show 'em how I roll, dog. I gots my chalk to mark the trail when I checks a whichy-way, yo, and I got my gat to bust a cap in anyone that tries to gank my 40, my cheddar or the hashit. Now hod' up & check youself, foo' - I don't wanna be touchin' no damn hashit, but for real - that's part of our click, money, and we gots to protect what's ours. So believe that!" Hashers: don't turn your back on this one, or you'll be pushin' up daisies with the quickness. Beyotch.
xx	x
Captain Fro Ranger	When he's not impregnating his wife Shiggy Mama, Captain Fro Ranger spends his time collecting used automobile tires in the hopes of placing Chattanooga on the map for having "the largest tire fire in recent history." A proud member of the International Bread Twist Tie Collectors Syndicate, Fro also prides himself in having the world's largest Pabst Blue Ribbon memorabilia collection. As the inventor of Target's Wedding Gift Registry inventory software system, the Captain is free to spend his time as he chooses (which explains the constant wife impregnation). Not letting his failed career as a greeting card writer get him down ("Get better or I'll freaking kill you" was the final nail in what seemed to be a rapidly-closing coffin), Fro enjoys scrapbooking with a personal affinity for wire embellishments and helping first time "scrappers" with new layouts that showcase their events in ways that gets everyone at the convention talking.
xx	x
Naked 4 Candy	"Have you ever gotten one of those really small boxes of raisins and after eating them all, put the box partway into your mouth and blow? You know that whistly noise that you get? That's my favorite." If you didn't know her, you'd never guess that Naked 4 Candy was a accomplished raisin box musician. Additionally, if you heard her explain her talent as above, you'd probably think she was insane. However, she's far from it - able to knowledgeably discuss the cardboard-and-glue box compositions used by all major raisin manufacturers, N4C knows her stuff. And having performed at the White House for the past three presidential terms, she better. "Stopkick's 914bL adhesive is the best," she says, standing in front of a giant bookcase that literally covers an entire wall and is completely full of hundreds of opened raisin boxes, "But only Sav-On and Ralph's use that glue, so when I'm out in California, I stock up." Lucky for Naked 4 Candy there's no law against bringing raisins across state lines.
xx	_
	A six-time Nobel Prize decorated sex therapist, Tickle Mi Hare has helped literally millions of people across the US learn how to "better communicate with their partners" (if you know what I'm saying). With her own jumbo jet (bought for pennies on the dollar from MC Hammer when he went bankrupt the first time), TMH flies her customers around while teaching them better love techniques (and yes, "Free Mile High Club Membership" appears on all her ads). Whether she honed her sex skills while gallivanting around the world as one of the models for the female-oriented athletic magazine Sports Bra Monthly (which strangely enough had a high male subscription rate) or from her Tantric studies in lands afar, Ms. Hare has not only a 98% success rating but also a VERY satisfied client base (again, if you know what I'm saying).
Tickle Mi Hare
xx	_
Short & Curly	Known to locals as "Short & Curly," this seasoned hasher is known in other parts of the world as "Mr. Gumball." Throughout his world travels, he cons candy store owners, hapless mothers - and anyone else to whom he can work his charm - into getting free candy, sweets & other such items coveted by growing young men. With such a background and a crystal-clear modus opperandi, it should come as no surprise that in the past Short & Curly has been seen pulling jobs with Hall Pass. When not suckering Grandma's out of their candy (and occasional Social Security check), S&C likes biking and the great outdoors, which is a perfect combination and what brought him to the club.
xx	___
Holy Cross Bowler	An avid proponent of the Dewey Decimal System, Holy Cross Bowler's involvement in the club is very covert - less Richard Simmons and more Godfather: not in your face and annoying, but always in control and around just enough to keep everyone in line. When he's not supervising hash duties or wearing his hat as an online antique ceiling fan pull chain expert/consultant, HCB enjoys chasing geese with his model airplanes. "I hate those damn turd machines," he says in a rare complete sentence. Set financially from his invention of The Club automobile security system, HCB goes through more cash than J Lo through "straight" male suitors, which earned him a "shout out" in the liner notes of Ludacris' last CD. When Holy Cross Bowler talks, E.F. Hutton listens.
xx	_
Cock Killer	As the former CEO of Terminix, CK (short for "Cockroach Killer") initiated a business plan to increase employee empowerment and double company efficiency. His plan involved personally visiting every Terminix location and assisting each location manager with determining which daily required tasks could be done away with. Unfortunately, this required the constant daily use of the company's 747 and the charging of his CEO salary (broken down on an hourly basis) to each location, which subsequently drove the company into the ground. However, CK managed to come out on top: after a seven-month long romance with the head secretary of National Exterminator, CK negotiated a lucrative deal to sell all Terminix rights to National Exterminator's CEO (the secretary's husband) for a cool $1.6 million. Not too shabby for a man that can't read or write. Currently missing.
xx
Papillion Le Peu	As the old saying goes, "pictures are worth a thousand words." In this case, they're worth exactly four: Papillion is a drunk. The only woman to ever show up for jury duty with a Colt 45 in her hand (the malt liquor, not the handgun), PLP habitually worries about having too much blood in her alcohol stream. Known to have enjoyed Bi-Lo rubbing alcohol when times were tight, Papillion is permanently off the wagon. With a fridge like that of a national brewery, PLP manages to truly keep the beer flowing like wine, but still manages to function adequately in life. Take this picture, for example, taken last year at Chattanooga's 11th Annual "Children With Special Needs" Enchantment Under The Sea Ball. Papillion was a dedicated volunteer, working three 14-hour days back to back with only one embarrassing "short bus" comment. Also an avid chemist, PLP often misses hash runs as a result of her time spent in the lab, where she strives to concoct the world's perfect alcohol: as good for you as milk, as alcoholic as everclear, but not habit forming and can double as a true Jenny Craig meal replacement. Currently missing.
xx	__
Cum On Down	"Everyone sees them everyday, but they never see the true beauty in them - that's why I'm so lucky, because I do." That's Cum On Down discussing his favorite topic - fast food condiment packets. As the creator, curator and greatest proponent for CPR - the Condiment Packet Registry - COD (as his fellow "packets," or those interested in condiment packets, refer to him) feels that everything should be available in a packet - everything. "Really," he says, while adding a Del Taco hot sauce packet to his Keystone Light, "when you think about it, it just makes sense. Peanut butter? Perfection in a packet - no dirty knife, and nothing left in the bottom of the jar." COD continued by suggesting that carrot juice, eggs, flavored butter, pureed Hamburger Helper and even tuna fish should all be available in packet form. As COD says with a twinkle in his eye and a packet in his hand, "That's just the tip of the iceberg, my friend - the tip."
xx	x_
LuvBug69	An accomplished gospel singer, LuvBug had wanted to open a school where every aspect of the arts would be taught, but instead, she discovered long-haul trucking. After a few adult beverages, it's super-dynowhoppin' easy for LuvBug to slip into truckspeak and leave you in the dust. "I remember last week I was on the boardwalk with a parking lot when I saw some Boy Scouts advertising up ahead. I wondered if it was that bumpersticker I saw at the last cash register - it was a covered wagon with Xmas lights that was definitely fat. I laughed, hoping he was feeding the bears with that new City Kitty I had seen around, but it wasn't - just a Harvey Wallbanger Gratin' Jane with a shortage for invitations. I hit the mix master and all of a sudden I was rakin' the leaves into a prairie fire - right away I was hopin' for a pumpkin or a quick shine, but sadly no, so I decided to go flatline before I hit the rhubarb, I tell you what." Umm, what?
x xx	x_
Slick Willy	Although heir to an immeasurable step aerobics fortune, Slick Willy decided to carve his niche into humanity by inventing a revolutionary new coffee brewing system. Unfortunately, his business plan consisted of hijacking an 18 wheeler full of Mr. Coffee® coffeemakers, slapping a sticker over the original logo and selling his "invention," dubbed the SW 9000, on the Internet. After his release from prison, SW decided to re-channel his energy. Into drinking nothing but malt liquor on a full-time basis. If a brewer puts their booze into a 40oz bottle, SW can give you the specific ingredient breakdown in freakishly accurate detail. Always a big hit at parties, Willy performs what he calls the BBC - the Brown Bag Challenge. "Put any 40 in a brown bag and dude, I'll tell you who made it," Willy proclaims. Luckily, SW has an endless supply of step aerobics equipment and videotapes with which to keep the extra pounds off. Cracking open a frosty St. Ides, Slick says, "You gotta look good for the ladies, 'cuz you don't want to be fat & shit. Step aerobics helps me with that."
xx	x_
Maple Queef	It's not everyday that you meet an accomplished inventor, but here in Chattanooga, it happens at every *un. Not only did Maple Queef bring us glow-in-the-dark sunglasses, the pedal-powered wheelchair and water-proof towels, but also he's officially the first Canadian ever to be called an "assmunch." By a member of Canadian Parliament. In church. On Victoria Day. On television. It breaks down like this: after getting drunk, Maple sauntered to the birthday celebration at the local church. Everyone in town was there, and as mentioned, the festivities were for some reason being televised. With his butter tart (single-serving sweet pie) in one hand and his homo milk (whole milk) in the other, Queffy walks in and on live television starts yelling about how comfortable his Grandfather's biffy (outdoor toilet) was. When the RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) showed up, Maple Queef called them all pogeys (people on welfare) and started dry-humping the lobby chesterfield (sofa). It was at this point when lower house member Antoinette Fleur uttered the famous words: "Get that assmunch." Many people, to this day, remember exactly where they were when they saw the RCMP swarm Maple Queef and give him a skull cramp (headache) he'd not soon forget.
xx	_
Tit Wringer	You'll never meet another person with a larger My Little Pony® collection. Actually, you'll probably never meet another man with a larger My Little Pony® collection. OK, you'll probably never meet another man with a My Little Pony® collection. Nevertheless, whether it's movie trivia (when the Smooze is attacking Dream Castle, Shady is seen running away, but at that moment in time she should be out in Dream Valley with the purple Bushwoolie looking for Spike and Baby Lickety Split), discussions on the first true pony (was it the foot-tall "My Pretty Pony" from 1981 or the 6 earth ponies from 1982?) or ethical concerns regarding fakies (cheap, illegal knockoffs) & customs (do a search on "borg pony"), TW is surprisingly well versed. Now don't let his MLP love fool you - Tit Wringer is no softie. In his spare time between PonyCons, T-Wringer is a one-handed push-up national champion who truly knows the score, having conducted and published the foremost recognized research data on correct forearm rotations and proper elbow loading. It pretty goes without saying that whatever Tit Wringer discusses with you at the on-after is something you've never talked about before.
xx
Chicken Ucker	"Anal sex at noon taxes Lana." If you overheard this sentence your local coffee shop, you'd probably put down your triple double mocha with a ¼th diet lemon twist and cast your gaze in the direction of Chicken Ucker. Whether she's shopping at the local outlet mall or wowing her friends in her local palindrome club, everything out of this girl's mouth causes a double listen. At the last on-after when the boys broke out smokes, Ucker issued some true science with "Cigar? Tragic." The last time she fell victim to a bad sexual experience, "Dr. Awkward" heard "Dammit, I'm mad!" It doesn't matter if she's at the latest XBox release game demonstration party ("Go home, demo hog"), at work as an ad executive ("Kodak ad OK!"), chatting about numbers ("I prefer Pi"), talking with her Canadian friends ("He won a Toyota now, eh?"), checking out the newest import tuner parts at SEMA ("I was sad - no Hondas saw I"), star-gazing at California restaurants ("Lisa Bonet ate no basil!"), discussing 1800's public executions ("What! So he is hanged, is he? So what?") or doing home improvement projects ("Pull up if I pull up"), Chicken Ucker is a quick wit, even if she's just greeting her brother - "Yo, Banana boy!"
xx	_
Sticky Banana	"I play video games and bitch about crap on the Net." Not many think that's a job, but if you ask him, that's what Banana'll say his is. Yup, if you sit with Sticky for any length of time you'll realize pretty quick he's not the nicest person. At a local bar after a recent on-after, some dude said hey and asked SB what was going on. After muttering a response, Banana asked what dude was doing - although he may be rude, no one can say SB ain't cordial. Dude began talking about just recording some tracks with his band. Before the "D" in "band" left dude's lips, Banana said, "NO WAY!! Whoa, WHAT?? You're in a BAND??? BALLS, that's SO COOL!!! I had NO IDEA I was talking to someone who's IN A BAND!! Dude, you gotta tell me all about it! You know, like how you got signed to a record label of your girlfriend's cousin that he runs out of his basement, and that you're dropping your first EP in August, and by "dropping" you mean trying to give away outside the grocery store." Nice, huh? World, meet Sticky Banana.
xx	_
Hugh Heifer	Hugh Heifer is the king of trivia. Check this tidbit, which he shared at a recent hash. "Hey man, wanna know something cool? Most people don't know this, but way back in the 1900's mayonnaise was only made in England, and sold no where else. Yeah, I know it's crazy, but it's true. As a matter of fact, the Titanic was carrying close to 57,000 jars of the stuff, and it was already sold to Mexico. No dude, I'm not making this up, these are all facts you can check. Anyway, Mexico was the next port of call for the boat after New York, but of course it never made it. Man, the people of Mexico were CRAZY for mayonnaise. When the ship sank they were just distraught, as a people totally broken down, and almost irreparable damage was suffered due to how heartbroken they were their mayonnaise wasn't coming. Hard to believe, I know. But they were so devastated that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. That's right - Cinco de Mayo." Thanks, H2.
xx	_
Cock, Block & Tackle	One day while staring at herself in the mirror while brushing her teeth, CB&T had a thought. Sure, it's cool that instead of boring mint there were new flavors such as "Extreme Mint Blast" or "Radical Winter Rush," but what about other flavors? After her dentist-prescribed 2 minutes of brushing, CB&T headed to the kitchen and a few hours later, FlavorPaste was born. "I mean really," Cock Block & Tackle says while checking her stocks, "why can't toothpaste taste good? I'm so over cinnamon flavor - unless it's Cinnamon Sticky Buns flavor." With a little hard work, 31 new flavors of toothpaste were invented (and patented) within a few short weeks. Besides seasonal favorites such as Christmas Peppermint and Pumpkin Pie, one of the best sellers is Hamburger. Everyone loves the newest dental craze... everyone except the American Dental Association. But bad press and protests outside her operating-at-capacity factories won't stop CB&T. "Until brushing your teeth is illegal, I'm golden."
xx	_
Fitty Cent	Der Richter zum Angeklagten: "Sie sind beschuldigt, Ihren Nachbarn unter Schimpfworten in den Wald getrieben und dort ganz fürchterlich verprügelt zu haben. Sind Sie da nicht ein bisschen zu weit gegangen, Angeklagter?" Antwort: "Ja, das stimmt, Herr Richter! Ich hätte es schon vorher auf der Wiese tun sollen!"
xx	_
Pumpt Kin	When she's not being a hardcore hasher, Pumpt Kin splits her time being an online radio station DJ (named "Buffy the Nude Record Slayer") and a golf ball refurbuisher. On first glance, these two careers would seem unbelievable lucrative, but sadly, they are not. For income, Pumpt Kin resorts to "selling scrap metal." That's in quotes because really, she steals cars and takes them to an Atlanta chop shop, where she also learned the way of auto and auto parts theft. Do you know how many places a car has traceable identification numbers? Pumpt Kin does. Do you know how to remove your car's airbags while it's at the dealership for an oil change? Pumpt Kin does. The queen of phantom titles, Pumpt Kin (or whatever alias she's using on the day you see her) has made more money on fraudulent insurance claims than you can imagine. Don't let her fool you - when it's time to collect ha$hca$h, Pumpt Kin is flush with the dough.
x xx	_
Sas-Squat Bidet	Sas-Squat Bidet is convinced that the light in the refrigerator stays on when you close the door. "I mean really, why would it need to go out?" SSB says as he leafs through a 3-ring binder of fridge instruction manuals. "Are you worried about the electricity? Look, pumping cold air into a giant box sucks down a lot of kilowatt hours - I don't think one little light bulb will make a difference." Sas-Squat's "proof" that he's right is that no refrigerator manufacturer that he's called or written to has gotten back with him to answer his questions. "Amana®, Whirlpool®, GE®, Magic Chef®, Kenmore®, Frigidaire®, Maytag® - none of them answer me, answer my questions. Hello? Cover-up? All it would take would be one sit-down - I dare them to refute my data," Bidet proudly professes. Packing his things, Bidet states "I've already called Oprah® - these are serious issues, and there's no way we'll ever get to the bottom of this, and things will never change - the lies will never stop - until people are told." Apparently no one has suggested that Sas-Squat Bidet puts a running video camera in the fridge and closing the door, and it doesn't seem like now is the time.
xx	_
Berry Slippery Lips	Many people like to write, but it's probably safe to say that Berry Slippery Lips is the only hasher that writes fanfiction. "Look," BSL says, "I think it's really important to know what would happen if the cast from Cheers® got stuck in an elevator with the cast from Seinfeld®, don't you?" Whether it's Star Trek®/Star Wars® mashups, stories about what would happen if Will Smith had to leave Bel-Air and go back to the ghetto, or the crazy shenanigans that would ensue if Marcel the monkey from Friends® got in a fight with Eddie the dog from Frasier®, Berry has covered it all. For stories of a more adult variety, ask about her collection of erotic fanfiction. "There's a lot out there," she explains as she thumbs through Internet-printed page after page. "Take the Harry Potter® stuff - sure, it's sexy, but if you're looking for something a bit more hard edged, you should check out some of my stories, like 'Harry Potter and the Corn Husk of Destiny'. I'm not trying to sound self-inflating, but it's a real page-turner."
xx	_
Twat Do I Smell?	Just looking at Twat Do I Smell?, you wouldn't think one person would create award-winning toothpick art and also collect gasoline. "Yeah, I know," TDIS mumbles as he stacks crates of recently-delivered toothpicks next to a pallet containing mason jars full of 1975-era gas, "the two don't really go together - I see that - but as long as you're careful, I don't see a real reason for concern." Many disagree due to his career, as best explained by Twat himself. "Time and again the opinion has been expressed to me that my dual home-based businesses of antique kerosene heater repair and medical-grade oxygen tank refilling contain an immeasurable degree of danger in-and-of-themselves, and that enjoying my hobbies in the same environment is inexplicably reckless. To that, all I can do is recite my favorite quote: Safety isn't a hobby, it's a living. A lot of people don't understand that," Twat says, lighting a cigarette, "but that's what makes people different."
xx	_
Mustard Panties	"Anal bleaching isn't for everyone, but it sure is for me." Mustard Panties is definitely a woman who knows what she wants. "Really - you don't get a second chance to make a first impression - remember that." With her trademark schoolgirl laugh, MP points to her "Say No To Poopy Butts" t-shirt and smiles. When questioned about what the actual bleaching process is like, Mustard again exhibits frankness. "Yeah, it hurts - you know, like prom night? But hey, um, turn from the dark to the light, you know? Seriously, all kidding aside, it's like an ocean of lemon juice in a giant papercut on your kitty - yow! But hey, it's worth it, right?" While flipping through photos of her corn hole before, during & after the process, MP: says "I don't care if hydroquinone IS a suspected carcinogen in France and the UK - my anus looks great." MP's devout dedication to the process has brought noticeable success her ABC (Anal Bleaching of Chattanooga) clinic, where she offers a lottery program to those in need of bleaching but do not have the funds. "Look," Panties says, "you don't have to be thin to have a nice butt, and you don't have to have a butt to have a nice ass. That's why I'm here - I'm here for your ass."
xx	_
Double Dipper	May 19. That's the date Double Dipper was exonerated, and it's a date he'll likely never forget. "Dude, that day? It was like, well, the shit." Lighting one Lucky Strike off another, DD continued. "I was in prison so long, I had no idea what to expect when I got out. Was my girlfriend still waiting for me? Was my burger flipping job still open? Are there any new ways to masturbate? Cuz really, I need some." After giggling for almost 11 consecutive minutes, Dipper explains: "See, it was hard work escaping 'shower relations,' as it's known in the yard, and I made my reward for escaping the infamous 'Night Depository - Enter In Rear' sessions a self-reward, and I've run out of ways to do it." While scattering car parts out in front yard "just to keep up with the Jonses," Dippy continued: "I was able to score precious alone-time by volunteering to clean the prison rectory. Yeah yeah, I caught hell for that, but dude - who really goes to church on the inside? The lifers? Nah - they're basically shoveling sand into the ocean with a pitchfork, so yeah - there ain't too many to catch ya wacking it in the pew." Cracking his knuckles, DD chirps a crude laugh. "If they ever did catch me, well, I'd have to have killed them dead for their own good - not only because that's how I roll, but because hey, that's a personal private moment, you know?"
xx	_
International House of Cum	"If using the word 'cheese-like' is all it takes to get the gynecologist to slow down during the exam, then I've earned my money." That's what you get when lunching with IHOC - totally unfiltered discussions. There's no warning regarding what's going to come out of her mouth next. "Look, patents are not copyrights - there are inherent differences betwixt the two, and I'm really tired of the little guy getting shafted." Before even the salads arrived, IHOC launches in to another diatribe: "I'm super pissed I actually bought that special fruit & vegetable wash - it's just water and grapefruit juice! It's even on the label - I can make that shit WAY cheaper than what I paid for it. But hey, that's consumerism - ha ha!" The entree brought more: "Not many know the 11th amendment to the constitution was ratified in 1798, but even fewer know that human babies are never allergic to human milk. Or is it the other way around?" The check - and the fifth appletini - continues the flow. "You find me someone that REALLY knows what the Hardcore 1.0 Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic mod does, and then we'll talk. And don't forget - sick ferrets recovering from an illness or surgery will often need to have their diet supplemented." Thanks, IHOC - noted.
xx	_
Penis At Recess	It's not everyday someone gives up power freely, but if you threaten to expose one's midnight balcony masturbatory trists, it'll happen faster than you can say "police brutality". That's how PAR managed to score a fat apartment - he not only saw a neighbor wacking it, but he filmed it, and the dude he filmed was a cop. So, now Penis has a great flat thanks to the power of blackmail, but he wonders if there'll be any type of retribution. "I mean come on, those cops know everything - who goes where, what does who, all that. So what's keeping them from getting dirt on me?" The only thing, it seems, is Penis' amazingly straight-and-narrow lifestyle. Painstakingly routine, proven by 14 consecutive days of surveillance, PAR does everything by the book, which makes his blackmailing tendencies all the more surprising. "I just can't wait for the Pope to screw up - I've got so much dirt on him, if anyone could scrape it away, well hell, they might be the one that could find that old bitch on Sex and The City's real face - and THAT'S saying something."
xx	_
Gender Bender	Blogs. If only Gender Bender invented them, he'd be the Blog King. Instead, he's King of all Blogs. Despite the time-intensive career of talking fixed-income widows into needing window crackage insurance, GB is all about the blogs. Running them, monitoring them, contributing to them, even correcting them. "These fanboy bloggers - they don't know their PSP from a GBA, and I feel it's my duty to correct them. Because look, if it's not me, then who?" GB's miniature horse wheelchair hobby notwithstanding, it's the blogs that take up most of his time. "I find the most work is needed on the websites devoted to fatties - you know, fat women? Man, their insight on Indian music is so often wrong. Ok, we all know that most Sansrit texts dealing with music refer to 7 notes, but do you know cheese is the hardest thing to delete from your diet? Yeah, IHOC told me that - I wouldn't lie."
xxxx	_
Chip Off The Old Twat	As a professional karate master ranked 8th Dan an a surprising young age, Chip was able to travel the globe displaying his master skill. One day at a layover on the way to a major competition, he had four hours to kill. Four hours was all it took - Chip became hooked on two things: hot dogs and video games. "You have no idea how well the two go together," COTOT explains. "The Spanish call them 'perrito caliente,' in Italian, it's 'cane caldo,' the French refer to them as 'chien chaud,' Germans call them 'heisser hund,' and the Dutch call 'em 'worstjes'." Laughing, Chip explains, "they date back to the 9th century BC, but who gives a shit? I can play a rip-ass game of Pengo with a dog on the CPO, and if the chili runs, it's all good." Not surprisingly, Chip's an a budding amateur video game electrician, and he spurns dead board claims. "I'll fix any PCB, period, regardless of how fried it is. And hey," Chip adds with an award-winning flex and smile, "if I can't fix your board, I'll break it in half, and send you a video of me breaking it, for free."
xxx
Kojackoff	ChooChooH3's very own Kojackoff claims to be a master of what he says is a dying art - rumpology. Over a cosmo, Kojackoff enthusiastically explains that rumpology is the art and science of reading the dimples, lines and other marks in one's buttocks. With a smile, he says, "I like to say it's figuring out what's ahead by seeing what's behind." Interestingly enough, Kojackoff has noticed that butt reading attracts more male patrons than females. "So," he continues, "I've gotten to know a whole lot about male ass." When he's not checking out male ass, he's checking out his own - his own ass, that is. "Buttons is my prize-winning jackass - you know, a male donkey, so I guess it all sort of fits." When they're not attending grooming parties and 4H shows, Buttons and Kojackoff enjoy long trail rides and an occasional mildly-challenging obstacle course. "Due to my profession I catch a lot of flack," Kojackoff says, "but it's ok, because at the end of the day, Buttons is really the only one that truly gets me."
x xx	_
Clit Like A Puppet	"I hate idle conversation at dinner parties," CLAP says, "because it always turns to careers. After basic greetings it immediately turns to, 'So, what do you do for a living?'" With a sigh, CLAP ashes her cigarette, held in an 8-inch long ivory cigarette holder, and takes a breath. "I'll be honest and say that I've never told anyone that I'm an AV Cleaner and not gotten the question, 'What's an AV Cleaner?'" CLAP's eyes are deep, almost motionless as she continues. "An AV Cleaner is the person that cleans the artificial vaginas at a horse stud farm - get it, AV? Artificial Vagina?" CLAP pauses, as she has become used to having to provide her conversation partners time to react. CLAP continues: "So when people hear that, they're like gross! But what they don't think about are all the transferable skills I have. I mean, I'm really good at cleaning things up - let's be honest, even a horse wants to think he's the first guy to park his buggy in the stable, if you know what I'm saying. And then there's my skill with a spatula and a turkey baster.... Look, that stuff goes for around $600 a batch, and just like in the porn industry, every drop is valuable." CLAP stares into her glass as she swirls the last of her drink around the remaining ice cubes and says, "I wonder if that's why I don't get invited to many dinner parties."
x xxss	_
Cocksicle	"I don't get it," Cocksicle says, "I just don't. And it doesn't matter who tells me - not my friends, my family, not even the people at that stupid State-mandated therapy program - I don't think collecting baby clothes is creepy." Cocksicle is serious, and ready to defend not only himself, but also his passion. "Yes, I collect baby clothes. You're telling me that people can collect cups and hats and automobiles, but you can't collect baby clothes? Tell me why that's so wrong." Quick to change the subject, Cocksicle has plenty of discussion points, such as his recently failed business. "Everyone eats lunch, and I know people really like sandwiches at lunch. So, since no one likes to pack food to take to work for lunch, I looked at that data and decided there was a business need I could fill." It's apparent that Cocksicle is in need of a new dictionary, as his definition of "data" certainly didn't support his sandwich shop, Silly Willy's Chilly Philly's. If attempting to sell upscale cold cheese steak sandwiches wasn't a concept doomed from the beginning, Cocksicle choice of restaurant mascot definitely drove the last nail into the coffin. "Silly Willy" was a shirtless male farmhand, complete with straw hat, cowboy boots the color of a popular farm tractor, and plaid denim jeans in the cutoff variety. "I really just don't know what went wrong," Cocksicle proclaims.
x
Hula Whore	"You want to know why I got fired from my last job?" Hula Whore asked while flipping through the Classifieds section. "Ok. It was really a simple misunderstanding. I worked at the paint counter, and I really liked it. And I was good! Customers would specifically bring ME paint chips the 'other guys' couldn't match, and even pieces of clothing - I could match it all. One lady," Hula said as he circled a job listing, "brought me an ad from a magazine and wanted a volume match, meaning a lot of paint. Now magazine ads are hard - they're glossy. Anyone in the business knows the three rules." Hula counted on his fingers: "First, avoid over-exposing the matching base histogram to prevent vignetting; second, don't neglect subtle tonality or deep saturation overtones may become speckled; and third, always avoid shiny objects." With a laugh, he said, "I was up against quite a challenge, because the lady handed me this ad featuring a really nice - but glossy - purple." Getting into the story, HW put down his pen. "After about 15 minutes I was done, and it looked good - I mean, I nailed it. I opened the first can to show her and she was so happy she said I could name the color. Now how cool is that? It's very cool, as that almost NEVER happens!" Hula's excited tone disappeared as he concluded. "I loaded all 45 one-gallon cans into her van, and she left. Little did I know one hour later I'd be unemployed." After a pause, Hula takes a breath. "It turns out all that paint was for a newly-created room at St. Timothy's church, which was specifically built for the baptism of newborns and children. All I could make out from what my boss was yelling was that apparently the church had a very serious problem with the color name Statutory Grape."
x x
	Did you enjoy? Do you wish YOU had a crazy bio to show your friends? If so, there's only one way to get your face and life story on the Net - join us! Remember - first-timers are free, so come to our next hash and meet the above, enjoy the great outdoors and partake in some fantastic adult refreshment while having a great time.